I make Jurassic Park references in everything I do–even my professional life

I make Jurassic Park references in everything I do–even my professional life

If you followed the link from Facebook, you may know what’s going on. If not, I’m currently in a Jurassic Park fan contest with Brett McLaughlin to see who is the bigger fan–after he sent this text to my girlfriend on August 26th:

Brett McLaughlin

 

The contest has been raging for the past week and a half, with such arrows slung as, “I had the better Jurassic Park birthday party when I was a child,” and “I nearly squandered my relationship because my girlfriend won’t walk down the aisle to the Jurassic Park theme at our hypothetical wedding.” It’s been really fun. (You can follow it on Facebook by typing in the hashtag #JPFanOff.)

But now it’s getting serious, and I’m concerned that Brett doesn’t represent the park and its greatness in his career. Ever since watching him perform in college, and keeping up with his Facebook posts, I have yet to see him write or perform a song relating to Jurassic Park, or just make a reference to it somewhere. “I’ve got you…like Hammond’s got a T-Rex.” That kind of thing.

Which is why I think I’m the better fan (still). If you don’t know, I make my living as a writer. I’m currently a web content developer for SmallBusiness.com, but I’ve also been published on Salon, AskMen, Business Insider and British GQ. I also regularly read my essays live for a comedic storytelling show in Nashville called That Time of the Month.

It’s here that I’ve represented my JP fandom most (and also in my brief teaching career, which is scattered with stories of children making fun of my JP obsession). Three times in essays I’ve performed I’ve made blatant Jurassic Park references–even when I know no one will laugh (which happens every time because people don’t seem to watch the films as much as I do).

Here are three of the references (so far):

From my one-man show “The Lingerie Diaries,” in a section about why women match their bras and panties:

Sure, it makes sense that women would want to be visually appealing to men—we’re a visual species, like sexual Tyrannosaurus Rexes, whose vision is based on boobies.

jurassic park

“Don’t move. He can’t see you if you don’t move.”

From an essay titled “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!” in which I find out an ex-girlfriend had previously dated one of my biggest idols.

Had I not been seat-belted into her car, I would have most certainly fallen out. I felt like Alan Grant in Jurassic Park upon seeing the brachiosaurus for the first time.

jurassic park

“Put your head between your knees and breathe.”

From my most recent essay “Taylor Swift Almost Got Me Fired,” in which I get in trouble for convincing elementary students I was dating Taylor Swift.

For those who don’t know, when you inherit a class from another teacher–particularly a teacher the students really enjoyed–you’re at an immediate disadvantage. They may behave for the first hour or so, quietly doing their school work and respectfully raising their hands. But once they’ve felt you out, like the raptors testing the fences in Jurassic Park, all hell breaks loose.

jurassic park

GRANT: You’re sure the other two raptors are contained? SATLER: Yeah, unless they figure out how to open doors.

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